(No, not the band.)
We-the machine, our body-and-soul-the machine, and the every
breath we take- the machine.
At times, I feel as if I have a multi-level personality. I can be content one minute and the next- a
raging lunatic, lashing out at anything in my path. It’s tragic really. It’s what invoked this post. I wish there would come a time when I could
be completely even-keel, at all times, without the need for a leveling
medication. I am not on ‘that kind’ of
medication and really don’t want to be for fear that I would become numb, and
all for what; to numb the machine, that’s what. Fuck that. I refuse to believe I
have the need for a chemically balanced pill to make it all go away or dull down the crazy.
Maybe I am happy with all of my discontent, maybe. Maybe I secretly enjoy the aggravation,
maybe. Maybe I need the pharmaceutically
induced elixir that calms down the crazy, maybe. I don’t know. One might say a
person in this state of flux would take any measure to feel better, right?
I’d like to meet those people that are at ease in life,
mainly to karate chop them in the throat, but really to ask them what they’re
hiding behind, because I don’t believe for one second that there are people
that are TOTALLY OK with life and everything they’re dealt. Really?
DO YOU EXIST OUT THERE? Hello? Is this thing on?? If you do exist, how
do you cope? DO YOU cope or are you hiding? And, if you’re hiding, WHAT are you
hiding behind? How do you release?
After a while, you
get really tired of asking questions and even more tired of hearing one-sided
bullshit answers.
this post was short, like my temper.
6 comments:
I think the chaos is within all of us. Life is a constant lesson in finding your center. As long as you can get back to it, you are doing something right.
-EEE
I speak one from experience....the pills I took to help control the rage that brewed inside me, on a daily bases did help for a while, but then I begin to feel as if I lost myself...oh little blue, white, colored pill you helped!! I have been off of them for a year and take other controlling methods & pray they help. But then we are italian's and anger & range is only natural to our everyday emotions. I also say fuck those who say they have it perfect....its all bullshit because they deal with their emotions differently, the quiet drinker, the silent binger....I just rather skip all of that & let it go.
That is why I practice Zen.
So yeah, my poison is a blush rose color square...without it I become more lost than I am with it, so I picked the lesser of two evils. Without it I get angry - uncontrollably, violently angry - and I get crazier. Three days without my poison and I can't focus, literally. I feel like my fingers swell to twice their normal size and I gain scary confidence; I become sure that I could drop everything and move, becoming a physicist or expert on komodo dragons or a tamer of lions and wonder what on earth took me so long to figure this out. I stay up late and get up early and spin in circles, cleaning, crying, laughing and philosophizing about some silly little things that add up to nothing. So yeah, I pick my poison. You like me this way. I never know who would like me without it. And it wouldn't matter to me either way.
I am now on Celexa- about a week.
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