Liebster Award

Liebster Award
I am excited to have received the Liebster Blog Award thanks to the support of a wonderful soul and excellent writer of Pullmyfunnybone Blog.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Poop Chute Report

Welcome to my experience of the dreaded colonoscopy.

While being driven to the hospital, I decided to read through their brochure.  I noticed several spelling errors and word omissions and was immediately riddled with anxiety about their ability to stick tubes up my anus if they couldn't even hire a qualified editor.

Upon arrival to the hospital, I met Beverly.  She was a dear, elderly woman.  I jokingly asked her for a sip of her juice, because I was parched beyond belief. She chuckled, but declined; greedy b*tch.  Anyway, she handed me my check-in form and a laminated number and asked me to have a seat until my number was called (they give you a number as to not call your name out for all of creation to hear). BT and I sat down, and I began to examine my check-in form.  It stated I currently worked at the Hartford (which I haven’t since 2004), that my husband’s last name is Tholke, and that his phone number is the same as mine.  Perhaps for some of you this is not a big deal, but for me, this is set off numero dos before 8:00 AM with no coffee or food for over 24 hours.  I was HANGRY.

To alleviate some frustration, I took pictures of said errors and texted them to my friend in disbelief.

“Number 10,” said Valerie.  Ah! Sweet Valerie… She greeted me and walked me to the automated check-in kiosk to electronically sign my life away.  I began clicking “yes,” “I agree,” and “next” until I completed the process.  Well, as luck would have it, the machine flickered on and off and then powered down.

I said, "Valerie, I’m about to lose my shit.”

Valerie said, “Don’t worry. I am the Patient Experience Coordinator; you can tell me anything.”

To which I said, “GREAT! Well, first your brochure has spelling errors and word omissions, of which I have taken the liberty of correcting for you, IN INK; my check-in form information is incorrect; and this f*cking machine just blacked out on me after inputting information and agreeing to multiple questions. Frankly, I’m not very confident about this hospital!”

“That’s OK,” she said. “I have a hand-held mini-computer you can use to input the same information.”

“OK,” I said.  Just as I signed my name and clicked “next,” like a glitch in the matrix, that lil mini bastard flickered on and off, on and then OFF.  DEAD…the battery was kaput.

I paused, smiled and turned my gaze to Valerie. She said, “It’s OK, I got your information recorded, I’ll just print it out and you can look it over for errors.”

While she was jacking around with the cord on the mini bastard, she said, “Are you an English major?”

“No, just a grammar Nazi,” I replied.  She laughed, but asked if she could call me in the next few days and thanked me for pointing out the errors.  She, too, was in disbelief.

“Jennifer?” I heard. So much for anonymity! “Let’s get you started.”  I started to feel better as I followed Nancy down the hall, but honestly I was mostly excited for the Propofol!!  Two nurses, Marlo and Lisa, began to fire off questions, which sounded like echoes; “What’s your name, who is your doctor, and do you know why you are here today?” (As if I had forgotten). I know, I know, it’s all protocol; I just found it amusing. “Is there any possibility you could be pregnant?”

I busted out into laughter and shouted “uh, No!” Since nurses are not allowed to take your word for it, off I went to piss in a cup and lest we forget, shit like a goose, as I’ve not yet-STILL- stopped shooting liquid out of my anus.

ONE minute later, knock-knock- knock...“Whatcha doin in there Jenn?” asked Marlo.

“Dancing, Marlo-I’m almost finished.”

After the peeing, questioning, signing, initialing, and vein poking, I was greeted by Scatman Crothers to whisk me away. As he wheeled the gurney through the halls to the ‘prep room,’ I noticed literal signs everywhere (God made the heavens and earth and Mother Mary figures illuminated in the halls, etc.). We engaged in small talk, and then I asked him if he enjoyed his job to which he replied, “Yes, ma’am.” He was pleasantly wonderful, so polite, and wished me well when we parted ways.

My next stop on this joyful morning was to meet the wonderful inducer of pleasure, Dr. Purkey, the anesthesiologist (yes this was his real name). God Bless this man. Seriously, please bow your heads. He hooked a sister up! He was a bit of a jokester, but I honestly don’t remember one ounce of that blissful half hour slumber. BOO.

When I awoke in the recovery room (AKA: the bog of eternal stench), my wonderful husband was sitting next to me, laughing at my flatus and when I perked up enough to laugh too, I then became conscious that I might shit myself if I wasn’t very careful. We were literally in a recovery room of fart rippers.  It was hysterical and a pre-requisite in order for discharge; no pun intended.

Finally, the doctor came in and informed me that I was as clean as a whistle and off I went.

In the words of Tori Amos- “Exit 75-I’m still alive, I’m still alive!”

57 comments:

Anonymous said...

valium for sale no prescription valium for test anxiety - buy valium diazepam

Anonymous said...

xanax no prescription can you overdose xanax pills - zoloft and xanax for anxiety

Anonymous said...

cheap lorazepam ativan dosage levels - ativan vs generic

Anonymous said...

xanax without a perscription xanax 2mg alprazolam - xanax restoril drug interactions

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online xanax dosage for public speaking - effects of xanax recreational use

Anonymous said...

ativan anxiety ativan dosage gad - ativan dosage peds

Anonymous said...

diazepam 5mg diazepam 2mg long does take work - long does 2mg diazepam work

Anonymous said...

xanax without a perscription does xanax show up thc drug test - where to buy generic xanax online

Anonymous said...

diazepam online can you buy valium online in australia - buy diazepam 5mg usa

Anonymous said...

ativan online ativan withdrawal from 1 mg - apo-lorazepam tab 1mg

Anonymous said...

buy xanax cheap klonopin vs xanax dosage - xanax overdose how many pills

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online buy ambien in the us - ambien cr retail price

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online cvs cost generic ambien - ambien dot drug screen

Anonymous said...

buy soma online carisoprodol off label uses - order soma online-cheap

Anonymous said...

buy diazepam valium side effects itching - 10mg of valium side effects

Anonymous said...

buy valium online online pharmacy uk valium - valium half life drug test

Anonymous said...

buy soma online soma carisoprodol wiki - carisoprodol y naproxeno

Anonymous said...

buy valium online legally valium lisa mitchell - buy valium online no prescription canada

Anonymous said...

buy valium online valium yellow round - valium yahoo

Anonymous said...

Blogger: Embrace Your Crazy - Post a Comment soma online without prescription - buy cheap soma online no prescription http://www.emprendiendoideas.com/#buy-cheap-soma-online-no-prescription

Anonymous said...

Blogger: Embrace Your Crazy - Post a Comment sibutramine no prescription - meridia for sale online http://www.meridiaordernow.com/#meridia-for-sale-online

Anonymous said...

Blogger: Embrace Your Crazy - Post a Comment buy acomplia - acomplia online http://www.a6soft.com/#acomplia-online

Anonymous said...

Blogger: Embrace Your Crazy - Post a Comment generic acomplia rimonabant - cheap acomplia diet pills http://www.a6soft.com/#cheap-acomplia-diet-pills

Anonymous said...

Fish Medication Tetracycline Capsuals order prednisone online - order prednisolone http://www.prednisone4sale.com/#order-prednisolone

Anonymous said...

Hello, propecia online - cheap finasteride http://www.bigdocpoker.com/#propecia-online-no-prescription

Anonymous said...

Choosing Men Who Use Drugs prednisone acne - prednisone prednisolone http://www.prednisone4sale.com/#prednisone-prednisolone

Anonymous said...

Hello, discount strattera - buy generic strattera online http://www.lasmaracasonline.com/#buy-generic-strattera-online

Anonymous said...

Hello, strattera medication - buy strattera no prescription http://www.lasmaracasonline.com/#buy-strattera-no-prescription

Anonymous said...

Hello, finasteride no prescription - buy propecia online http://www.wheretobuymedsonline.com/propecia/

Anonymous said...

Hello, cheap finasteride 5mg - cheap generic propecia http://www.bigdocpoker.com/#buy-finasteride-5mg

Anonymous said...

Hello, atomoxetine online pharmacy - strattera without prescription http://www.lasmaracasonline.com/#strattera-without-prescription

Anonymous said...

Hello, generic for lipitor - generic lipitor for sale http://www.costoflipitoronline.net/#generic-lipitor-for-sale

Anonymous said...

Hello, lipitor sale - low cost lipitor http://www.costoflipitoronline.net/#low-cost-lipitor

Anonymous said...

Wide Medicine Cabinets order topiramate no prescription - order topiramate online http://www.topamaxdiscount.com/

Anonymous said...

Migraine Medication I topamax cost - buy topiramate no prescription http://www.topamaxbetterprice.com/

Anonymous said...

Kinney Drugs Camillus Ny buy topamax online no prescription - topamax online no prescription http://www.topamaxdiscount.com/

Anonymous said...

dalsCleax ciprofloxacin price - cipro no prescription http://www.ciproonlinerx.com/#cipro-no-prescription

Anonymous said...

Diuretic Drugs Chemistry Ppt order sumatriptan online - buy imitrex without prescription http://www.brawr.net/ - [url=http://www.brawr.net/]imitrex without rx [/url]

Anonymous said...

Ixora Medicine cost of xanax - buy cheap xanax http://www.freeaustraliawireless.com/, [url=http://www.freeaustraliawireless.com/]purchase xanax online [/url]

Anonymous said...

Drug Search Warrant Affidavits purchase diflucan - cheap fluconazole http://www.diflucansaleonline.net/#cheap-fluconazole , generic fluconazole no prescription

Anonymous said...

Medicine Faculties In Pennsylvania lexapro medication - lexapro no prescription http://www.costoflexaproonline.net/#lexapro-no-prescription , [url=http://www.costoflexaproonline.net/#lexapro-online ]lexapro online [/url]

Anonymous said...

Background Of Drug Addiction buy sibutramine - sibutramine price http://www.meridiaonlineorder.net/#sibutramine-price , meridia for sale

Anonymous said...

Joe Foley Drugs purchase meridia online - buy cheap sibutramine http://www.meridiaonlineorder.net/#buy-cheap-sibutramine , cheap reductil

Anonymous said...

Friends, order prozac online - buy fluoxetine http://www.prozaccheaponline.net/#buy-fluoxetine , [url=http://www.prozaccheaponline.net/#cheap-prozac ]cheap prozac [/url]

Anonymous said...

tfv [url=http://www.zoloftonlinesales.net/#order-zoloft-online ]buy sertraline [/url] - buy zoloft - generic zoloft http://www.zoloftonlinesales.net/#cheap-sertraline ,

Anonymous said...

sob cheap neurontin - gabapentin price http://www.neurontinonlinesales.net/#gabapentin-price , [url=http://www.neurontinonlinesales.net/#neurontin-no-prescription ]neurontin no prescription [/url]

Anonymous said...

6, cheap adipex 37.5 mg - generic adipex http://www.costofadipex375.com/#cheap-adipex-37.5 mg, [url=http://www.costofadipex375.com/#cheap-adipex-37.5 mg]generic adipex online[/url]

Anonymous said...

Hi, order carisoprodol - cheap soma online no prescription http://www.dollarforaction.com/, [url=http://www.dollarforaction.com/]generic soma for sale [/url]

Anonymous said...

Li, Cheap Modafinil - buy modafinil online http://www.provigilbenefitsonline.net/, [url=http://www.provigilbenefitsonline.net/]Generic Provigil[/url]

Anonymous said...

Li, accutane no prescription - purchase accutane http://www.isotretinoinrxonline.net/, [url=http://www.isotretinoinrxonline.net/]buy accutane[/url]

Anonymous said...

Hi, cheap prozac - prozac no prescription http://www.hawtalta.com/, [url=http://www.hawtalta.com/]prozac online[/url]

Anonymous said...

4, Cheap Maxalt - maxalt online pharmacy http://www.maxaltrxonline.net/, [url=http://www.maxaltrxonline.net/] Cheap Maxalt [/url]

Anonymous said...

4, Lunesta Cost - lunesta online http://www.lunestasleepaid.net/, [url=http://www.lunestasleepaid.net/] Eszopiclone Price[/url]

Anonymous said...

4, Buy Rizatriptan - generic maxalt online http://www.maxaltrxonline.net/, [url=http://www.maxaltrxonline.net/] Maxalt Cost [/url]

Anonymous said...

2, [url=http://www.mobsterwar.com/]Order Zolpidem [/url] - Zolpidem Price - buy generic ambien http://www.mobsterwar.com/ .

Anonymous said...

2, [url=http://www.klonopincheaponline.com/]Klonopin's Effect On Anxiety[/url] - Klonopin's Effect On Anxiety - buy klonopin no prescription http://www.klonopincheaponline.com/ .

Anonymous said...

5, [url=http://www.cheapzoloftrx.net/] Zoloft For Sale[/url] - Order Zoloft Online - zoloft online pharmacy http://www.cheapzoloftrx.net/ .